Article inspired by relationship coach, James Bauer, author of The Relationship Rewrite Method
Should You Try to Convince Your Ex to Start Over?
You’ve shared a special connection with your boyfriend and have had an awesome time together. Then, for some reason, he began losing interest and has decided to call it a day. You were devastated, since you had hopes of building a beautiful life together.
It’s natural that your first reaction would be to try to convince your ex to start over and give the relationship another shot. After all, doesn’t it feel like it’s the right thing to do? Why would you not want to let him know that he’s making a mistake by pulling away?
Sadly, this is one of those life situations where our instincts lead us astray because trying to convince your ex never works.
Fortunately, I can tell you there’s something that DOES work:
Trigger His Feelings.
Triggering someone’s emotions or feelings will always outdo logical argument.
Why? Because feelings run the show. They influence your subconscious mind more than anything else. We humans are not as clever at making conscious decisions as we’d like to believe. That goes for all forms of decision-making but it’s especially so when it comes to matters of the heart.
(By the way, if you’d like some laser-targeted advice about getting your ex to connect with you again, don’t miss James Bauer’s free Relationship Rewrite Method presentation.)
Using emotion is your best shot at getting your ex back!
I care about people’s feelings. Some people’s stories really tug at the heart. That was the case with Leah, a woman with 5 children, the first of whom was born when she and her boyfriend, Joel, were each just seventeen.
It wasn’t long before problems arose in their relationship.
Three months after Joel moved out, Leah sought professional advice from James Bauer. Joel joined them a few sessions later. However, his mind was made up. He was just too hurt to consider starting over because Leah was “crazy”, he said.
But Leah was not prepared to let go of what they had shared.
Admittedly, James was a bit judgemental in thinking that they were highly irresponsible in starting a family while they were themselves still children.
During their sessions with James, she scolded Joel for pursuing other women and making her live more and more like a single mother struggling to get by.
As much as James wanted to jump in and side with Leah in fighting for the survival of her family, he knew that trying to convince Joel was not the way to go.
James began to privately teach Leah the techniques I’m going to share with you today.
There are major differences between convincing your ex and triggering feelings. The easiest way to illustrate this is in the form of a simple list of dos and don’ts:
Do NOT do these things:
- Insist that he owes you an explanation because you know he still has feelings for you;
- Remind him that the relationship was going just fine and then try to get him to admit that he was partly to blame for things falling apart;
- Suggest that he owes you something after all that you’ve been through together;
- Tell him that real relationships must be worked on and he needs to grow up;
- Try to prove that you shared something special by forcing him to acknowledge specific examples from your past.
All that convincing, telling and arguing will get you nowhere. In fact, they will simply reinforce the painful emotions that drove him away from you in the first place. His brain will automatically come up with counter-arguments.
For example, if you remind him that things were great in the past, he will immediately scan his memory for contradictory evidence. He’ll come up with the arguments, the frustrations and other low points from your relationship.
He’ll mention those issues, which will reinforce your efforts to convince. You’ll end up showing him your worst side – angry, desperate. If that goes on for any length of time, you’ll become resentful, bitter and possibly even sarcastic towards him.
Doesn’t that sound like you? We all react this way when something matters deeply to us but the other person refuses to be convinced. This is not what you should show him.
Don’t try to convince. Instead, let his emotions do the work for you.
What you should do:
I’ll first list the techniques, then explain each one briefly.
- Establish a private line of communication;
- Use “private flirting” but not “broadcast flirting”;
- Be vulnerable about struggles interfering with your goals;
- Throw stones at his enemies;
- Make time work for you.
1. Create a Private Line of Communication
Your goal here is a simple one: Eliminate all channels where others can observe his responses to you (this includes social media). That done, ensure that you have at least one private method through which you can communicate with him directly. Text messaging would be a good example of this.
Don’t talk to him in front of your friends, his friends or your children, if there are any. Neither should you ask him to meet you in a public place for lunch or a chat.
He won’t even be aware you’re not communicating with him publicly. He’ll naturally feel more open to exploring where things could go with you.
Just send him a friendly message every 4 – 5 days; send something you know he will find absorbing, exciting or amusing. Don’t mention anything about your relationship – and no convincing.
Only send the kind of messages that would gradually condition him to expect that delightful rush of dopamine that you’d get when you open an email or text message from a friend who is good at making you laugh. Don’t request any kind of response; just keep the path of communication open.
2. Use Private Flirting but not Broadcast Flirting
When you use broadcast flirting, everyone around can see what you’re up to. For example, when Patricia laughs at all Bob’s jokes at the New Year’s party and intentionally compliments him in front of others, that’s broadcast flirting.
Private, or “exclusive”, flirting is something else. This is where two people share something exclusive. You need a private line of communication in order to bring up moments that only the two of you would remember.
Any message like that will evoke the right kinds of emotion. It will evoke the emotions that would naturally arise from feeling part of something special. No convincing is necessary.
3. Be Vulnerable About Struggles Interfering with Your Goals
Once your private line of communication is up and running, it’s time to step things up a notch.
If you are honest about goals that are important to you and the difficulties that block your way, it will naturally trigger his hero instinct. It will improve the chances that he’ll want to come to your rescue in big or small ways.
The desire to be someone’s hero is no small deal for a man. It’s something few women would understand; it’s an ancient, powerful instinct all of us men have.
4. Throw Stones at His Enemies
Of course, we mean this figuratively. We all like to have someone back us up. We crave agreement more than we are willing to admit!
And you know what? Your private line of communication is the ideal opportunity for him to vent his feelings about anything or anyone that’s getting in his way. This is an ideal opportunity for you to put “the respect principle” to work.
James Bauer’s “The Respect Principle” relationship course will help you bring out the best in your man. You can access it here.
Men confuse the feelings they get from love and respect. If they were forced to choose, they would rather feel respected than loved. So when his text of frustration arrives, take advantage of that golden opportunity!
Your man is likely to do anything for you when you validate his frustration and take his side when he’s feeling insecure. Give him the impression that you hold him in high regard compared with other men. He’ll love you for it, even if he’s not ready to admit it.
5. Make Time Work for You
Waiting can be hell, especially when you know his heart could be taken at any time by another woman. However, pressuring yourself to fix things as quickly as possible is one of the easiest ways to push your man into a corner and unintentionally trigger his instinct to fight or flee.
Don’t let time-pressure enslave you. Rather, make time your slave. Make it work for you. Recognize that time is on your side. He’s already moved away from you so that’s done. Time is necessary now because it’ll work day and night to gradually erode the emotional shield he created to block the idea of getting back together with you.
When a man and a woman spend enough time together, something’s bound to spark emotional feelings eventually. Sooner or later, your private line of communication will provide an opportunity for you to see each other again in person.
When that opportunity arrives, here’s what you’re going to do:
Make long, deep eye contact. Less talking, more silence. Silence is a powerful thing between lovers. It arouses emotions that surpass the power of words.
Interestingly, maintaining eye contact while thinking loving thoughts toward him will cause your pupils to dilate. His subconscious will notice this and will trigger mutual feelings of attraction.
So use periods of long, sustained eye contact. Let him wonder what you are thinking. Allow his imagination to do the work.
Another thing, for your meeting you might want to wear something new and different to your regular style. It’ll help to differentiate the woman from his past from the woman standing before him now. Let him see you in something he hasn’t seen you in before.
Of course, your situation is unique. Some of these suggestions may not apply. Regardless of that, I hope you benefit from the understanding of the difference between convincing your ex and evoking the right emotions in the man you still love.
If you’d like a professional’s opinion on how to rekindle the romance with your ex, view James Bauer’s video presentation below on The Relationship-Rewrite Method: